Whitney Tamez: unpredictably...average

Being a mom has been eye-opening experience in so many ways.

Breastfeeding is an interesting experience...sometimes I absolutely love it but most of the time I could do without. It is a true testament to how much I love my son and want the best start possible for him. The closeness between Gunnar and I that comes from breastfeeding is by far the best and most astonishing thing that I have ever encountered. I could not before imagine how much it would affect me. The fact that Gunnar can recognize my heartbeat, and my smell is something that I could never have understood. On the other hand, being chained to the couch, sore nipples, engorged breasts and leaking through are aspects that I could do without and that no one seemed to talk a lot about while I was pregnant. I guess it is understood that a few subjects about pregnancy are off limits and are never to be mentioned in the presence of one who is or might become pregnant. Again...I really need to write a book..."The TRUTH about pregnancy...everything that you are not supposed to talk about." In reality there was not decision to make...if it is best for Gunnar and in my power to give him, then that is what I am going to do. I do have to go back to work on March 16th so I will not be breastfeeding until he is 12 or anything. (Holy shit...I can't believe that people actually do that...crazy) We are going to start introducing formula next month some time and feed him both for a while until he gets used to it. The hardest part about formula feeding is choosing the right formula. There are so many, how do you choose the best one. Fortunately I do not anticipate any problems with the transition, I have been pumping since the week he was born and we bottle feed it to him when we are in town for doctors appointments and such. He takes the bottle with no problem...thank god!

Sleepless nights are something that has not bothered me as much as I thought it would. (I love to sleep) There are those few minutes in the morning or late at night when you are not sure you can keep going but then the "mommy" hormones kick in and you forget all about being tired, hungry, or even having to pee. It turns out that two hours a sleep a night is enough...who knew?

Almost complete isolation is an aspect that I actually love...that is probably why I don't go anywhere that often. Gunnar is a good excuse to not leave my house. If people want to see me or Gunnar they can come over. I am one of those weirdo's who loves to be home. It is more convenient for me to be home where I have everything I need and where I can breastfeed in peace and not worry about who I am flashing or who is looking when Gunnar cries or who is going to want to touch or pick him up. I do have to admit though that after three weeks it is nice to get out of the house for a half hour or so but I love being at home. It is my little haven.

The state of constant worry is one that is going to take a while for me to get used to. Is he to cold? Is he to hot? Is he hungry? Is he getting enough to eat? Is he feeling okay? Am I doing everything right? Is he developing the right way? Is he on track? For example, Gunnar seems to be one of those baby's who get gas easily and he seems to have trouble pooping (a coordination issue which I am told is completely normal) so when his sleep is restless or he spits up a lot I of course begin to worry. On Saturday Gunnar spit up about 400 times and when he would sleep or his sleep was really restless all day and he was really fussy it stressed me out a bit. I always thought I was the rational one in Adam and I's relationship...the optimist who deals with stress well but when I can't figure out how to make Gunnar feel better or what is wrong with him to begin with I completely break down. I walk into the room clutching him as close to me as possible...balling because I can't figure out how to make him feel better. Adam looks at me and tells me to calm down...he will be fine...it is just gas. I don't like it when he is not feeling well and I can't do anything about it...it makes me feel...sick. Anyway, we rocked him and gave him some gas drops and rocked him some more and finally he started to feel better and I started to calm down. I guess this is just the beginning and it is going to be this way for the rest of my life so I just better get used to it...but that doesn't make it any easier...or make me look less idiotic.

Yes, motherhood is a definite life change. Some changes I love...and some not so much but no matter how I am feeling it is completely worth it. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. Sometimes I spend hours just staring at him an awe...wondering how I got so lucky in life. He is so beautiful. Speaking of that Regis and Kelly are having their beautiful baby contest and if I can find a picture I absolutely love I might enter him into it. We will see.